knowyourneighbor

Giving a face to our faith

Relationships create the environments that allow humans to extend their circles of caring. Mary Pipher

One of my friends (I'll call her Emily) told me of a recent conversation with one of her dearest friends (I'll call her Thea). Emily and Thea's daughters, both eight-years-old, became fast friends while in kindergarten, and their mothers soon followed suit. Thea, originally from northern Europe, had been an exchange student in New England some years ago. Now married to a fellow European, and having settled in New England, she remains in contact with her host family parents whom she affectionately refers to as mom and dad.

As Emily and Thea have grown closer over the years they have often spoken of religion; Emily is LDS and Thea is Catholic. Through their friendship, they have shared their beliefs with one another. Thea attended Emily's daughter's baptism, bringing her roses to celebrate the occasion, and in turn Emily attended Thea's daughter's first communion.

At Christmastime, Thea's family was visiting her host family, and as conversations often do, theirs turned to politics and the possible presidential contenders. As Thea and her mother spoke of the possible candidates, her mom commented, "Mitt Romney's a Mormon. Mormons are so weird. How could he even think of running?"

The purpose of this blog is not to promote presidential candidates, but to speak of the positive ramifications of extending ourselves beyond the comfort of our Mormon faith. Which in the case of Thea and Emily was at least two-fold. Not only have Thea and Emily and their daughters developed friendships that make the world feel a safer place, when the LDS church was innocently maligned, Thea immediately came to its defense, telling her host mother that Mormons are good people, not weird at all.

And yes there's more.

Several weeks after Thea's Christmas visit, her host mother called her, and shared that she had recently read an article in the press which explained what Mormons believe; she had learned that we not only have a strong focus on the family, we are also Christians.

Her mom ended by saying, "Maybe I could vote for a Mormon after all."

What can we learn from Thea and Emily's story?

1. Emily and Thea became friends because they were able to find common ground, which was initially that their daughters were friends. While Emily did share a Book of Mormon with Thea at one point, when Thea and her husband chose not to learn more, nothing changed in their friendship. Their love and respect for one another extends to supporting one another in their respective religious traditions.

2. If people don't have a point of reference in real experience, the discussion about our faith is academic, even clinical, and more likely than not our detractors will have the final word.

3. If these same individuals can put a face to our faith, especially as a result of true friendship which involves inviting one another into our homes and hearts - our friends will come to our defense when our faith is vilified, because the discussion is no longer academic, it's personal.

4. While the low-touch approach of generating positive press about our faith is certainly important, the high-touch approach is crucial, as we saw in Emily and Thea's experience. For a more in-depth discussion on the high-touch approach, see The Spirit of Ammon.

Think Outside the Cultural Hall

On New Years Day, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch ran articles about making and keeping New Year’s resolutions. Among them were tips provided by financial gurus for managing wealth. I liked the visionary statement from Jim Winkelman, principal with Blue Ocean Portfolios in Clayton, Missouri, who said, “For a person to become rich in all aspects of their lives, they need to learn to collaborate.”

I am about to reveal the key to successful living, the Holy Grail for living a grand life, a fulfilling life, even a very, very rich life.

Collaboration!

I could go on and on about what collaboration is doing for my business. I am an interior designer. I could go on about what collaboration has done to help my family. My focus for our purposes is what collaboration can do to help Latter-day Saints better enjoy the fellowship of their community.

I have learned again and again that in many of our activities to build the Kingdom, we are more effective if we work with others who are not of our faith. Did you catch that? We “need” to work with those not of our faith in order to build the Kingdom of God.

I don’t like to share negative examples, but I think this one is instructive. There was a public affairs council that wanted to reach out to ministers in their area. They decided to host a monthly breakfast meeting for ecclesiastical leaders to fellowship and talk about issues facing the community. They invited local ministers to attend this meeting only to learn that a monthly meeting of clergy had already existed for years!

Let’s learn this lesson once: to involve the community in an activity, involve the community in the planning process! Collaborate.

Now by contrast, think for a minute about Ammon’s example. Why didn’t he take the Sons of Mosiah with him to the hostile territory of the Lamanites? Didn’t he need their help? Wouldn’t he enjoy working with his fellow comrades, friends who shared his beliefs? Did he think he could do it alone? Ammon knew he could serve the community by working with others, beyond his circle of friends and fellow-saints, even those he had not worked with previously and those who did not share his beliefs.

As I mentioned previously, the O’Fallon Stake Public Affairs Committee is planning a large event to celebrate Black History in East St. Louis. In planning and executing this event they are involving members of the community to lead and to sit on committees. The community friends are providing guidance to the public affairs council regarding key organizational issues such as who to partner with and where and when to hold the event. The friends are joining their regular council meetings by conference call. Some friends have offered to join in prayer. O’Fallon Stake is an excellent example of thinking outside the cultural hall. By partnering with community friends they are enlarging their capacity to serve!

How can your Church or family council collaborate with community friends to more effectively accomplish the purposes of your programs?  I offer the following process:

1. Start by thinking about what you want to achieve (your purpose/ mission statement) and what activity might help you accomplish that goal.
2. Then brainstorm about like-minded friends within your community who would enjoy working with you.
3. Brainstorm with community friends and gather their ideas.
4. Make plans and involve your friends in the planning, whether formally or informally.

You’ll be rolling in no time!

Here are some ideas to jump start your thinking:

• Youth leaders might work with rotary club members to host a career night and invite friends to give presentations.
• The Relief Society could partner with the YMCA to help literacy efforts.
• The High Priest group might work with genealogical societies to host family history activities.
• A family could host a family home evening block party with the Fire Department to help the family and neighbors be better prepared for disaster.

Bishops and stake presidents can help members learn to collaborate by asking auxiliary leaders this question: What community friends can we partner with for that activity? And teach them the process.

Think outside the cultural hall! Collaborate by partnering - formally or informally – to do your work, whatever the work, better.  You’ll be richly blessed as your capacity to serve and your circle of friends is enlarged.

Please share with us examples of Latter-day Saints who have been blessed by collaborating with community friends.

A casserole is a neighborly gift

Cooking a meal for someone within our ward family is so commonplace, I wonder if we forget that this giving of a meal is quite a gift, and in some circles, rare? What if we found occasion to give casseroles to associates within our school and work communities as well?

Link:
A casserole is a neighborly gift.

Kudos to the Kids

Reading Catherine Briggs letter-to-the-editor this morning, is like waking up in Know Your Neighbor heaven.

My compliments to Catherine for taking the time to write to the Salt Lake Tribune -- and kudos to the kids at Olympus High, a school that skews largely Mormon, who have opened their hearts to newcomer Catherine, who happens to be Catholic.

Many of us could recount a story, especially from high school, in which we were "in" or "out"; in reading the letter I suspect Catherine's father has a more recent story. At times there may have been the veneer of an "in/out" overlap, but in reality, there was no intersection of the two worlds -- no common ground.

It heartens me to know that at Olympus High there is common ground.

May we learn from these kids' example.

Link: Salt Lake Tribune - Religion at school.

Beliefnet Quiz

While reading through Julie Echols' Random Ramblings, she suggested that we take the Belief-o-matic quiz on Beliefnet.

Having taken the quiz, I have confirmed that my views are fully aligned (100%) with the tenets of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon): I must confess I was briefly gripped with a bit of test-taking anxiety: am I really a Mormon?

But here's what's interesting, my views (our Mormon views) match that of Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant at 99%, Jehovah's Witnesses at 91%, Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (90%), Orthodox Judaism (88%), Roman Catholic (84%) and Islam (75%).

At a time when we as Mormons want so very much to be understood, it seems appropriate for us to try and understand others.

After all, according to the Belief-o-matic quiz, we've got a whole lot of common ground.

Link: randomramblings.

Thank you Mr. Ellsworth

Each of us is a public affairs chairman. Hugh W. Pinnock

In response to a recent editorial cartoon in Massachusetts Metro-West Daily News, there appeared the following letter to the editor.

“Shame on Dave Granlund; his Wednesday editorial page cartoon was vicious and not at all funny. I worked for a Salt Lake City based high-tech start-up for three years. It was owned by two brothers. They both tithed - large amounts of money. They were active in the Mormon Church - both elders. One resigned from his company to return to missionary service in Africa. And, they both were and are monogamous.

To portray Mormons in general, but Mormons for Romney in particular, as bigamous hayseeds is untrue, egregiously so. Worse, it is an uncalled for insult. Mormons are almost universally courteous. They do not drink, smoke or curse. They are unfailingly polite, and the worst language that I ever heard from the entire company in the three years I worked with them was "drat." Finally, they are monogamous.

Granlund - shame on you. You have betrayed, certainly, your ignorance but, perhaps also, your bias. This cartoon is not funny, it is egregiously vicious.” John Ellsworth, Ashland, Massachusetts

What would I want us to learn (and do) after reading this editorial?

1. Recall what Ammon teaches. Having been befriended by, and worked alongside Mormons, Mr. Ellsworth freely endorsed and defended Mormons to the press and the community.

Do you remember what the servants said when the King inquired about Ammon’s feats: “Whether he be the Great Spirit or a man, we know not: But this much we do know…that he is a friend to the king.” (Alma 18:3)

2. Recommit to a high-touch approach within our communities. John Ellsworth was willing to defend the church, not because of positive press about the church, but because he had worked alongside members of the church and had good experiences with them.

A church-sponsored survey taken in 2002 further underscores the effectiveness of the high-touch approach. Respondents were asked two questions: (1) When you think of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, what do you think? and (2) Does your top-of-mind response generate positive or negative feelings? Of the 8% who had a Mormon acquaintance, nearly 100% had positive feelings.

3. Say thank-you.

How wonderful it would be if the members of the church that live in Ashland sent Mr. Ellsworth a note, or better yet, invited him to one of their homes simply to say thank-you. After all, to a small degree he sacrificed his time and imperiled his reputation on their and our behalf.

"Non" Be Gone

Yes, indeed, we have another entry from Dana King. Not only is the content compelling, her slogan "'Non' Be Gone" is one of those keeper phrases that I won't soon forget. I hope you won't either.

...I believe it would be good if we eliminated a couple of phrases from our vocabulary: “nonmember” and “non-Mormon.” Such phrases can be demeaning and even belittling. Elder M. Russell Ballard, Doctrine of Inclusion, Ensign, May 2001, 35.

I’m starting a campaign and I hope you’ll join. It will be life changing – you will become more perceptive and sensitive to others’ feelings. You’ll become a better Christian.

Let me explain. I have long felt that terms such as “non-member” and “investigator” leave visitors to our Church feeling cold and excluded, let alone bewildered. Putting myself in someone else’s shoes, I would not want to be called a non-member, if I were not a member of this Church.

Elder M. Russell Ballard feels the same way:

“Personally, I don’t consider myself to be a “non-Catholic” or a “non-Jew.” I am a Christian. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is how I prefer to be identified—for who and what I am, as opposed to being identified for what I am not. Let us extend that same courtesy to those who live among us. If a collective description is needed, then “neighbors” seems to work well in most cases.”

When President N. Rock Erekson, a counselor in the St. Louis Missouri Stake Presidency, served as leader of the Pagedale Branch, he encouraged branch members to eliminate such words as non-member and investigator. The branch council and missionaries suggested alternative descriptions such as: friend, first-time visitor, new-to-the-Gospel, and friend of another faith.

Those who have eliminated the “non-word” from their LDS lexicon tell me it affects people in a couple ways. President Erekson noticed visitors to the Pagedale Branch no longer looked puzzled or awkwardly asked, “What’s a non-member?” But the most striking difference President Erekson noticed was in him: “I felt changed for doing this.”

That is a common feeling among those who have dropped “non-member” in favor of more inclusive language. Kara Hess, community relations assistant for St. Louis Missouri Stake Public Affairs also felt changed: “It has made me more aware of who I am speaking with/about and how I think and interact with friends of other faiths.”

Can simply eliminating a word from our vocabulary help us become more sensitive and perceptive in our relationships? I believe the results show it is an effective way to start.

Try the experiment, if you haven’t already, and join the campaign – “Non” Be Gone! It is simple to participate: just pledge to never use exclusionary terms in any setting – private or public - to describe our friends. It takes a little effort, but the rewards are life changing.

And just think. If every family and ward joined the campaign what can happen? Our foyers and homes might fill with friends and neighbors drawn to us, not only for our choice of inclusive terms, but also for the way we practice our faith as a result of our new-found sensitivity.

If you think your family, ward or stake can benefit from this life-changing campaign, consider sharing this post and leading a discussion in your family or Church council.

Repeat after me: Strike “non” from our lexicon!

Business Cards

With the beginning of the new year, I am happy to announce that Dana King, a finder-of-common-ground extraordinaire, will collaborate with me on the Know Your Neighbor blog. Below is her inaugural entry.

But Ammon said unto him: Nay, but I will be thy servant. Therefore Ammon became a servant to king Lamoni. Alma 17:25

I spent time organizing my business cards on New Years Day. Many have my hand-written notes on the back: “likes helping youth;” “passionate about history;” “wants to learn family history;” “wants to start a non-profit to help families;” “ran for mayor to unite the community”…etc.

The notes, I find, are the most important part of the card. They remind me about the person on the card, their interests and needs, and where we find common ground.

Someone asked me recently, how do you make so many friends? It’s easy for me to enter a room full of strangers and to leave having made many new friends. That was not always the case. When I was called to serve as Director of Public Affairs for the St. Louis Missouri Stake I wondered what a stay-at-home mom would talk about with a Mayor or community leader.

I put in my back pocket statistics about the Church and rehearsed a dialogue to share with Mayors and other leaders. This helped me develop a conversation, but often I sensed I was received as just another person seeking to promote their organization’s agenda. What I found would engage the mayor - literally I would see a sparkle come to the Mayor’s eyes - is when I’d put my own agenda aside and ask the Mayor about the Mayor. I’d ask: “why did you want to be Mayor?” “What do you want to accomplish?” “How might we help?” And I would jot down the answer later on the back of the Mayor’s business card.

Participating in such an exchange always reminds me of Ammon, when he approached the King of the Lamanites. Ammon did not first seek to present his agenda, rather he sought to know the King’s agenda to better serve him. My approach is about that simple. I use my conversations with people to help me understand their priorities and their goals for bettering the community. And more often than not I can find an area where I can help them accomplish some part of their agenda. If I am looking for a specific way a person can help “my” goals, then I may miss the opportunity to serve their needs or find common ground, especially if “my” ideas are not an exact match to theirs.

My cards came in handy recently. The O’Fallon, Illinois stake public affairs council is planning an activity for Black History Month. I searched my cards for friends. I found one I filed six months previously, a Mr. Petty, whom I met at the Black World History Museum Gala Event. My notes: “wrote history of East St. Louis, wants to help youth understand the history.” The O’Fallon, Illinois Stake is committed to helping Mr. Petty with his oral history projects to involve youth in filming and documenting the histories of families in the community. And, in turn, Mr. Petty is offering to help sponsor the stake’s Black History Month activity by providing resources and expertise.

I collected another card just the other day. It was not at a community event or scheduled meeting. Rather it was while I was shopping at Office Depot. I noticed a woman there who was copying brochures advertising a youth program. “Excuse me, but I just happened to notice your brochure, what is your interest in helping youth?” She gave me her card and on the back I wrote: “teaches teens The 7 HABITS of Highly Effective Teens™; may partner to help youth; expressed interest to attend next Stephen Covey Church fireside.”

Like Ammon, our interest in helping others leads us to opportunities where we can partner with newfound friends outside of the church to serve our communities. Making friends – partners – does not have to take tremendous amounts of time. It’s a matter of being observant and genuinely curious about another person’s interests, all in the course of normal living - while shopping, attending a PTO meeting, a social club or a business lunch.

The longer I live the more I am convinced that the Lord brings people together for His purposes, whether to be accomplished today or later. Who would He have you meet today?

They that be with us

And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man…and he saw…the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire. 2 Kings 6:17

Recently my 10-year old son asked me why he and my daughter are the only Mormons in their school (or two-percent of the student body). After explaining that with 2% of the U.S. population being Latter-day Saints, they were accurately represented, I went on to say, There may be only two Mormons, but most of the kids in your school want to be good and do good, just like you do.

That there are many who want to do good here in Massachusetts was clearly evident this past week.

As you may recall, in 2003, the Supreme Judicial Court in Massachusetts ruled that the state Constitution guarantees same-sex couples the right to marry. This ruling was historic, not just because it legalized same-sex marriage, but because it dealt a tremendous blow to religious freedom. While three judges dissented (their socially liberal views notwithstanding) on the grounds that such a momentous decision should be left to the proper legislative and judicial processes, not imposed by judicial fiat, four judges violated the spirit of their appointments by unilaterally reinterpreting the constitutional definition of marriage.

The constitutional end run didn’t stop there. In 2006, when the voters presented the state Legislature with a petition signed by more than 170,000 (3x more than necessary) to put a Protection of Marriage amendment on the ballot, they were constitutionally bound to at least a “yea” or “nay” vote”. Because of successful lobbying by the opposition, this simple yea or nay vote was postponed in May, July, and again in November.

I’ll confess, I didn’t believe the vote would take place on January 2, 2007 either. Had there not been a vote on the last day of this legislative session (or less than 50 “yea” votes), the amendment would have been quashed, taking its proponents back to square one – re-collecting petitions, with the attack on the freedom to say and teach what we believe continuing unabated.

But the vote did happen. And not only did rule of law prevail, the 50 votes needed to advance the measure were obtained: 61 lawmakers voted in favor, 132 against. Now just one more hurdle, a similar yea or nay vote will take place sometime in 2007-2008, before the amendment can appear on the ballot in 2008 for a statewide vote.

What does this have to do with Latter-day Saints – and the seeking out of common ground?

Earlier this year, the First Presidency urged members of the Church to contact our lawmakers in support of the traditional institution of marriage. But with only 25,000 members of the Church in Massachusetts, accounting for 4 out of every 1,000 people, Latter-day Saints alone could not tip the scales in this situation.

Thus, while I am grateful for the handful of Latter-day Saints who have done more than their fair share, and to Senate president Robert Travaglini who displayed considerable courage in calling for a vote, I am especially grateful for the Massachusetts Catholic Conference (the public policy office of the Catholic church in MA) and Massachusetts Family Institute (an organization with strong support from the Evangelical community). Without these religious leaders encouraging their congregants to urge their legislators to put the question to a vote, the vote would not have happened.

Paraphrasing Elder Orson F. Whitney -- God is indeed using more than one people to carry forward His great and marvelous work here on the earth, a work that is far too vast and arduous for one people.